Not every toxic relationship involves tunnel-throat screams and burgundy bruises. Sometimes the signs are much more subtle than that, so subtle that they tiptoe on by without anyone taking notice. Some victims become so consumed with trying to suck the poison out that they end up losing themselves in the process.
The problem with any sort of abusive relationship is that they often start on cloud-9. This creates the illusion that the relationship may “one day” return to bliss as soon as the gloomy phase is over. That’s how people become trapped. Once trapped in these cycles, they can become impossible to break out of. That’s why I’ve compiled this list to alert readers of everything to be on the lookout for so it doesn’t get to that point.
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1. Lying/Lack of trust
Even the best of us tell the occasional white lie, but it’s when those lies become a constant that it poses an issue. A relationship can only be strong if there is mutual trust. In order to maintain trust, both parties must be open and honest with one another.
2. Lack of support
Your partner should be one of your biggest cheerleaders when it comes to your ambitions. If you find yourself being ripped to shreds and beaten down the more you try and pursue your dreams, perhaps consider all you’d accomplish without that extra weight pulling you down.
3. Hostile communication
Communication is a two-way street. If your partner is unwilling to communicate productively about trivial matters now, how can you expect them to do so with the important matters later?
4. Disrespect
Your partner should not speak to you like a tormenting bully, a temperamental teenager, or a domineering boss. Once a person’s respect starts diminishing, it’s doubtful that it will ever rise back up to where it was before. Never settle for someone who doesn’t appreciate the beautiful human that you are.
5. They bring out your worst
The person you’re meant to spend your life with should bring out the best in you, end of story. If you find yourself struggling to retract your claws because you’re constantly in fighting mode, don’t ignore it. Pay attention to how this person makes you feel and determine if the bad eclipses the good.
6. Manipulation
Manipulation comes in many forms but they all have to do with one person exerting their power over the other. An example of this is gaslighting, which is when one person makes the other question their own sanity. Guilt-tripping is yet another form of manipulation, and even if the context sounds positive, like your partner making you feel guilty for not ditching your friends to spend time with them, it is usually not a good sign.
7. Narcissism
If your partner is so wrapped up in their own world that they stop seeing you altogether, or simply just don’t have your best interest in mind, maybe it’s time to take a step back and recognize your worth. You deserve to be seen, heard, understood, valued, and most of all loved.
8. Jealousy
Everyone gets a smidge jealous sometimes, but when that jealousy starts to devour every interaction you have so that your loved ones are either at arm’s length or just not in the picture anymore, that’s a serious cause for concern.
9. Controlling behavior
Your partner is meant to be your lover, supporter, and best friend. They aren’t meant to be your parent. If they try and dictate where you are, who you’re with, what you’re doing, and when, that’s not only toxic but potentially fatal.
10. Blaming
If they try to blame their bad behavior on you, that is an immediate red flag. Everyone is responsible for their own actions, so if they cheat and try to blame your negligence as the culprit, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.
11. They deplete your self-esteem
Truly loving someone means building them up, not knocking them down. If you find yourself frequently dating people who make you feel insecure, that might mean you need to mend the relationship you have with yourself before being in a committed relationship. We can only love others if we first love ourselves.
12. Codependency
Make sure you are able to maintain an identity separate from your partner in order to keep your relationship healthy. Too much dependency not only can drag you further away from your authentic self but it can limit the thriving capacity of all your other relationships.
13. They’re ALL take and NO give
You shouldn’t be the one doing all the taking nor all the giving, and if you are, then that’s suggesting your relationship might be off-kilter. When you love someone, giving shouldn’t feel like a chore it should feel like a pleasure. Imagine how much happier you’d be with a partner who matched your tender, loving effort.
14. Feelings of anxiety
If you find yourself walking on eggshells as a result of your partner’s behavior, take your own mental health into consideration. Is it really worth being with someone who plagues you with anxiety on a consistent basis?
15. You keep asking them to change
Asking someone to change is like admitting you’re unhappy with who they are. Not only is this unfair but it’s unlikely that you will get your way. People can change certain aspects of themselves such as their appearance, interests, and habits but their core remains the same. Personalities and beliefs tend to rest in our core. Plus, why do yourself the disservice of settling for someone who needs fixing? Heal yourself first and then you’ll become a magnet to attract someone capable of fulfilling all your well-deserved needs.
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If you find that more than a handful of these warning signs apply to you, I hope you’re brave enough to walk away. Change is never easy but the only thing worse than risking the unknown is remaining stuck in a cycle of toxicity.
You’re meant to be supported in every endeavor. You’re meant to wake up every morning with a calm, inner-peace budding within you because your trust outweighs your paranoia. You’re meant to be adored by your partner and reminded of it every single day.
You just need to believe it.
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Photo by Manuel Meurisse on Unsplash
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2 comments
I bet a lot of people can see some degree of these toxic characteristics in their own relationship. But if its not really a toxic relationship, if it just needs a little work, what would you suggest? How can we make a promising relationship better?
Great question. No relationship is perfect and we all have things we could work on, but it’s when the negative severely outweighs the positive that it may be worth reevaluating – assuming your mental health is suffering as a result! People sometimes get so “comfortable” with their misery that they fear making changes even if it’s for the better. I think you inspired a new article by bringing this up, so thanks for giving me some good content ideas! To answer your question in the shortest way possible, I think the number one thing that’s helped me with every relationship I’ve even had (other than communication, trust, mutual respect) is perspective. Having the ability to change your point of view despite strongly believing you are right and they are wrong, is a skill not many master in this lifetime! But if both people in the relationship can do that, it is a total game-changer! I think patience is key too, being flexible, and making an effort to still be that same person your partner fell in love with all those years ago. Many people put their best foot forward in the beginning and then stop making an effort and I think that’s where a lot of problems stop surfacing. Again, comfort is the culprit. Too much of it can be detrimental because it makes people stop caring! As I said, I’d like to write a more in-depth article on this when I have time and I’ll let you know when it’s up. 🙂