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Who would you be right now if no one ever tried to define you or tell you who they thought you should be? What if you’d never heard the popular opinion of another, whether an insult or praise, and were just free to be? What if the only expectations that truly held merit were your own? What then?
People label us all the time, and sometimes these labels become so embedded in who we are, that we forget who we were before they existed. A well-intentioned uncle tells us we’re timid at twelve years old, and before we know it, we’re no longer raising our hand in class or voicing our opinion even though we have so much to say – ideas bouncing around in our brain. An acquaintance calls us a painfully slow reader, so we opt for podcasts instead for fear of not being able to keep up with those around us.
Teachers have labeled us, they do this with their red pen comments left in the margins. Parents label us, they do this when they compare their past selves to our present selves. Friends label us, they do this when they notice a behavior that reoccurs once or twice and call it a pattern. Society labels us, especially if we belong to a marginalized group. There is no escaping it.
It only occurred to me on a day that I received conflicting labels that I seriously thought to reconsider the ones I had already been assigned. One day, at Trader Joe’s, the cashier, who was an earthy crunchy woman with rope-like strands of hair and a septum piercing, exhaled a sigh of relief as she was scanning my groceries.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
“Yes. I was just relieved when I saw Fig Newtons in your cart. The rest of your food was way too healthy, and you deserve a cheat treat.”
I was stunned. Never had someone gone out of their way to tell me that my selection of groceries was too healthy. In fact, my friends and parents always told me some version of the exact opposite – that my sweet tooth would surely be the reason behind my untimely death.
Strangely, when I had been informed of my unhealthiness, it made me do more of the thing I knew I shouldn’t, which was devour white cheddar popcorn like I’d just resurfaced after the apocalypse. Suddenly, when I’d been informed of the contrary, I made that statement my truth, just the same. I decided I am healthy. I am a poster child of good health. I must hold myself accountable and commence a routine of daily fruit smoothies, an avocado every morning with breakfast, Buddha bowls for lunch, and veggie stews for dinner. That’s exactly what I did from the moment I got home. I felt like I owed it to the woman at the checkout counter.
And you know what? It worked. I became the healthy girl. I started going to the gym more frequently, going for afternoon walks, getting my eight hours of sleep, and replacing Netflix with books. I had been given a label: “Girl with the sweet tooth,” and I became that label. Then, without warning, I was given a new label by an unknowing stranger: “Girl who is too darn healthy,” and I became that label, too. My jaw is still dropping at the insanity of this.
So, what does this mean for all the negative labels that we have received and most likely will continue to receive throughout our lives? Well, firstly, we shouldn’t take them as seriously, since I already proved how transient they are. Secondly, people’s judgments should not be trusted, especially when they’re likely just projecting some childhood insecurity. Thirdly, we don’t need to let these labels stick in the first place. The only labels we should allow to stick are the ones we wish to embrace.
Are you a slow reader or are you just so blown away by every one of the author’s poignant words, that you are attempting to hold them in your mind for as long as possible? Or perhaps your big brain is trying to decode their meaning because you are simply not and will never be a skimmer. Are you timid or are you arranging your cluttered thoughts so that when they exit your mouth they’re neat and tidy?
Also, you could be going through a phase. Maybe today you’re reserved, and tomorrow you’re the life of the party. Today you’re miserly with your money, and tomorrow you’re emptying your pockets for the homeless. You’re human, you have permission to be a paradox.
The issue with labels is that they box us in. Their borders are suffocating and leave no room for growth. Even positive labels can do this. If every time you travel someplace new, you bring back gifts for every person you know, after a while, friends and family might start to expect it. What happens when you get laid off or have to budget for a big life event? If you’ve been labeled as the most giving person in your family, you might feel some pressure to live up to that, even if your situation changed.
What about the little girl who was told her whole life how pretty she is? What happens when she becomes older and her skin starts to sag and her hair starts to grey? What if pretty was all she had because pretty was all the world allowed her to have? When looks fade, which they inevitably will for everyone but Jennifer Lopez, these little girls and women deserve to know they also have their sharp wit and bold humor to lean on.
Labels can be used for good, but all too often, we abuse them. We use them to wound or belittle one another. We use them to set limits and create excuses for why we can’t achieve something. My boyfriend was given the label, “procrastinator,” when he was young, and boy does he love his label. He wouldn’t dare challenge that label, for if he did, he might actually get things done. Sorry, Honey, but it’s true. He’d never read my posts, but if he did, you know what I’d write to him? I’d write that he’s actually uber-productive but hiding behind a procrastinator’s mentality, because he’s, on some level, afraid of success. Now, I realize I am still labeling my boyfriend, but I’m hoping by doing so, it’s having the opposite effect of the one he’d been given as a child.
Most importantly, be wary of the labels you give yourself. These can be the most detrimental to the growth of our heart and soul. As a fun experiment, just to prove to yourself how capable of change you really are, write the character profile of your ideal self. What does he/she/they like to do when no one is watching? What global issue makes you so enraged, he/she/they can’t not get involved? What stouthearted moves does he/she/they make that you would never dare repeat? Next, be that ideal self. Even if only for a day.
This is where you find the real You. This is where you realize just how many false selves have been holding you back from living your most authentic life.
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Photo by Yoann Boyer on Unsplash
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