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The most basic human need: A sense of belonging. That is what each and every one of us craves, whether willing to admit it or not.
According to Cambridge Dictionary, the definition of belonging is, “A feeling of being happy or comfortable as part of a particular group and having a good relationship with the other members of the group because they welcome you and accept you.”
This psychological need is fundamental to our sense of well-being and survival. If it wasn’t, we would procreate and then separate. We would live a solitary existence. Feeling like an outsider has actually been proven to harm us in the long term. Some psychologists suggest that these difficulties with fitting in and social alienation can lead to political polarization, racial or gender achievement gaps, and physical health issues such as depression, addiction, sleep disorders, suicidality, stroke, heart disease, diabetes, and even dementia.
These belonging gaps are more likely to widen in remote work opportunities or with someone who engages more heavily with social media. These people are more susceptible to feeling left out or like they lack true community. Technology, though convenient and efficient, can be isolating as hell. We can rely on it to complete as many petty tasks as we’d like, but at the end of the day, we still need connection with other conscious humans. We still need to feel like we’re a part of something bigger than ourselves.
According to the CDC, more than 1 in 3 adults aged 45 and older feel lonely in the United States. This risk of social isolation is said to increase with lower household incomes, having limited access to transportation, language barriers, being marginalized against, living alone, and suffering from a long-term disability or psychiatric disorder. Social seclusion increases our risk of heart disease by 29%, increases our risk of having a stroke by 32%, and increases our risk of dementia by a whopping 50%!
This is why it’s crucial that we learn to let people in – that we repair the delicate remnants of ourselves that might resist intimacy.
As a thirty-one-year-old woman, even I can recognize that finding community is no easy task, and I come from great privilege in that I speak my country’s native language, I own my own car, I live with a roommate, I am in a loving relationship, and I do not suffer from long-term disabilities. Even with these advantages, however, I struggle. My boyfriend works at sea, and is away for more than half the year. My roommate has a boyfriend of her own, and I don’t see her as often as I would like. I also work from my bedroom office. All of this contributes to great feelings of loneliness that nip at me in the wee hours of the night. It is one thing to become acclimated to an empty bed, it is another to have it filled with a warm body one minute and then empty the next – the delightful smell of your partner’s aftershave still lingering on the bedsheets.
So, what’s my solution? Well, as isolating as technology can be, that doesn’t mean we can’t use it to meet people in real life. Have you heard of meetup.com? Spoiler alert – it’s not a dating site. It’s simply an online community that connects like-minded individuals in the real world.
Are you passionate about oatmeal stouts and hazy IPAs? Then join a group that crawls microbreweries. Are you a bookworm? Join a fantasy fiction book club. Feel like stretching your legs and burning some calories? Tag along for a fourteener in the mountains. The options are endless, whether you’re a female entrepreneur, a DIY crafter, a foodie photographer, a badminton enthusiast, or a dog lover, there is something for everyone. And there are tons of communities like this one that offer free memberships and are only a few clicks away.
Never underestimate the power of the phone. Call your parents. Call your best friend from high school who you haven’t spoken to in ages. Sometimes all we need is the simple reminder that we’re not alone. That there are always people who love us even from far away.
Consider adopting a dog or a cat. Pets have been proven to combat feelings of loneliness. They can offer us companionship in times that humans can’t. Did you know that petting a dog has been known to lower heart rates and decrease levels of cortisol? Finals week my junior year of college, the school supplied about fifty willing pooches to help alleviate our final examination dread, because even our professors were aware of the major health benefits. I did go on to graduate with honors, and so I must give credit where it’s due. Those bundles of fur certainly did no harm in getting me there.
Sometimes feeling connected to others can be as simple as working in a café down the street rather than your home office. Sometimes it’s opening your window so you can hear the soundtrack of children playing on the streets or bike bells chime as they cycle past you. Sometimes it’s playing music so that your favorite musician’s vocal chords can return you to a present moment you appreciate. Do what you can to give yourself company. Give yourself a chance to belong to something that makes you proud.
My freshman year of college was among some of the loneliness, however, when I found myself itching to go out on a Saturday night with no plans on the horizon, I would take the bus into town anyway. I would make friends along the way, or at whatever bar I found myself in. I had a fake ID, so I entered bars frequently during my freshman year.
Now that I myself have become aware of some of the devastating effects of loneliness on the human body and brain, I vow to be more inclusive of others. To introduce myself to people I do not know. To invite them out to lunch on occasion.
Meeting new people doesn’t have to be terrifying, and the more we get ourselves outside of our comfort zone and do it, the less scary it will be. The worst result? We eat lunch alone. The best result? We make a dear friend for life.
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Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash
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